the ache of heartbreak

I'm not someone that copes well with losing people.

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It might be because I drain myself of all feeling to give to the people that I love. It might be that the idea of change genuinely suffocates me to the point where I can't even swallow without losing breath. It might be that, because I haven't felt this way in such a long time, I almost forgot just how much impact it can have on you and your self worth.

It's the crying yourself to sleep and waking up in the morning still sad. It's the overplaying of Taylor Swift's greatest hits until you can't stand her voice any longer (thank goodness we now have Olivia Rodrigo to further drown our sorrows). It's not knowing hunger anymore. It's checking their social media and either feeling sick at the sight of them entertaining someone else or seeing them completely and utterly content without you. It's everything and nothing all at once.

I obsess over the thought of what could have been, forgetting that I knew it was always going to be out of reach regardless. Getting to know new people is something that exhausts me. It takes enough time and patience to allow someone to know the little things, let alone the big, bad and ugly I keep so deep inside of me. I don't want to have to get to know another person. I don't want to know their favourite colour or the name of their childhood pet. Funnily enough, that used to be the things I'd crave to know, because it meant that I was that little bit closer to someone.

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But it doesn't matter how close you are.

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At the end of the day, that one final straw splits and neither of you have the energy to try and tie the withered string back together 'one last time'. I don't know whether it's the painful thought of them laughing with someone else, no longer sharing those memes you used to save especially for their viewing, or knowing that they are telling another person just how content they make them feel - just how they once told you.

It's often a well-spoken woe that we feel we have wasted so much time on that person once they are gone but it's important not to think of it in that way. That person was once everything to you... they still might be. They helped you grow. You learned things about them that someone else may never know. You shared moments that can never be recreated or desired in the exact same way.

The right person at the wrong time doesn't exist, no matter how many excuses you create that seem to make more sense than leaving it behind. If it was supposed to work out, you wouldn't feel so much pain every time you hear their name or see their face. You wouldn't look back on those memories and feel the pit of anxiety that causes you to lose your appetite for your favourite comfort meal. I find myself over-romanticising unrequited love as if I need to go above and beyond to even deserve an ounce of it.

That is not how it is supposed to be.

Believe it or not, it isn't supposed to be a huge love story where boy meets girl and you don't get together until the very last scene of the movie. It isn't supposed to be this hard or feel this fucking terrible. Love them and wish them well, but try to stop crying over what could have been. Please stop trying.

Let them go and breathe again. It's the right thing to do.

Love,

Shan